Don’t Give Up…

Of all the games it could have been, I would never have expected it to be Pokémon. I expect this from Final Fantasy. I get twinges of it from DragonQuest. But Pokémon… it’s a kid’s game, and in the Mystery Dungeon spin-offs, that intended audience shows.

I’m a grown-ass woman. Old enough to not answer that question when people ask my age. Old enough that no one would blame me if I lied. I’m so far out of the intended audience that I’m surprised I can actually get into these things. But I can, and I do, because the games transcend their audience.

Case in point, me.

Don’t give up…

I’m a grown-ass woman who’s broken inside. You can’t see it, but I carry a weight that drives me into the ground more often than not, to the point that some days it’s all I can do to get out of bed. Depression, attention deficit, anxiety… and probably other conditions I don’t even know about yet, burdens I carry but don’t even have names to identify them.

Some days, just having to open my eyes in the morning nearly kills me with despair.

Don’t give up…

So I turn to games, and stories. I write and I try to imagine for a little bit what it could be like if I didn’t have to fight this endless battle. I’m tired. I’m weak. I’ll never win because there is no winning. Success is making it another day.

And in the back of my head, the burden I carry whispers things to me. Horrible things. Painful things. All my mistakes, all my weaknesses, everything I cannot do but I’m told that I should do them… all the ways I fall short of what “normal” people do. I hear it whispering, telling me to just give up already. I cannot win.

Don’t give up…

Which is why this game won’t let me go. Why this game has broken into my heart and settled in for life. Because whether they intended it or not, the creators made something that speaks to me, and to those like me, far more powerfully than it ever could to the intended audience. Because I have the burdens, and the scars, of a long battle that has no end. Because I know what it’s like to fight something that cannot be destroyed, only accepted.

And now I don’t just hear the voice of my burden, the voice of the illness that stands ready to take my life if I falter. Now I hear the voice of every Pokémon I’ve ever met through the games, every Pokémon I’ve ever trained through the hands of Trainer Characters. I hear them and through them I hear the voices of the friends I’ve made online.

Don’t give up…

And so I stumble back to my feet to strike again at the darkness that burdens me. And it’s because of a game, one I never expected this from. I won’t give up. I can’t give up. Because it’s not just a game to me.  Not anymore. Not since I became a Pokémon and stepped into the world of the Mystery Dungeons.

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Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Don’t Give Up…

  1. This was absolutely beautiful to read. Your words have touched my heart, I wish you all the best in your life and all the best playing the amazing pokemon franchise! 🙂

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